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The Path to Healing

So I ended up taking the day off from work to recover. I slept a lot, tried to eat (didn't succeed much), watched some Eddie Izzard and contacted everybody I could think of for help and support. britpoptarts and azewewish gave me a listening ear over the phone and I even went to my parents' house for a long heart-to-heart with my mom about it.

I made it to work today (posting quickly between tasks . . . shh!) and somewhere in the space of the morning something happened. I posted it in a private community where I'd been asking for advice, but I feel it's worth cross-posting publicly.

In the course of this morning I tried a simple technique that has been very powerful in easing the burden of pain.

I forgave him.

Instead of waiting for an apology and resenting the lack of one, I simply chose to forgive every injury, imagined or deliberate. (To his credit, there weren't very many of the deliberate variety.)

So instead of brooding on the unpleasant bits, when they come to mind, I simply think "I forgive you" and the pain quickly dissipates. For some of them, I have to say it a few times before it takes (maybe Christ was on to something with that "seven times seven times" method) but eventually the knot unravels.

And it may seem to some like I'm letting him 'get away with it' but seething with resentment doesn't really punish him now does it? I forgive for my own sake and my own healing. I'm still detaching myself and toning things down between us, but by forgiving him I feel I can speed up the process of healing from the damage.

I'm still open to advice for dealing with the lingering pain, but I must say I'm feeling much better already . . .


Stomach's still a little touchy, but everything feels much better already. Wow.

What a strange month it's been.

Comments

( 7 comments — Leave a comment )
crevette
Aug. 10th, 2007 03:40 pm (UTC)
::hugs you::

We need to go drinking, you realize.
azewewish
Aug. 10th, 2007 03:47 pm (UTC)
That's awesome, baby. *keeping my fingers crossed*
(Anonymous)
Aug. 10th, 2007 04:30 pm (UTC)
Last night I found out through the grapevine that the GAY guy I had been getting closer and closer to has been in a romantic (ie. sleeping with) a woman for a few months now. The woman of course has been going around telling everyone (she's prominent director in town...just getting ready to go through a divorce in fact). He told his best friend (who's a good friend of mine, too) not to tell anyone. Hasn't bothered to tell me, and subsequently, has been avoiding my requests for a get-together. Today I get to go to the theater where both of them will be all day...in rehearsal for a show and then performing in the show (they are love interests in the play). I get to pretend I don't know, when there is so much going on inside me it's so painful to keep in (plus I didn't sleep last night).

Granted, he and I were not together romantically, you know, because of the whole GAY thing, yet I spent a lot of energy pretending we were together and sometimes he went along with it. We'd had discussions about it, where he said that years ago he had to choose to be with only men because he was ruining his friendships with his women friends after sleeping with them. So yeah, I matter more in the end I guess. And all of this has nothing to do with me, except for the issues it brings up in me that are there regardless of his actions.

Today I was going to go to the Radical Forgiveness website and do one of their forgiveness worksheets...I know there's a valuable healing lesson in all of this for me...this is not the first time a guy I have been interested in (they've all been straight until now...wait...i guess he's straight now...hm.) has gone off with some other girl and I've felt alone and stupid and childish.

Forgiveness is good. So is feeling the anger first. I'm really angry.

this is cuddly_mole, btw...didn't want to log in under my LJ name.
wonderbink
Aug. 10th, 2007 04:41 pm (UTC)
He's not gay . . . he's bi.

Being chosen over someone else is incredibly painful. It's at the root of the conflict that ultimately caused me to end things with Mr. TBH. It can be hard to persuade yourself that you are NOT somehow lacking because someone else got what you secretly wanted. I'm still grappling with that, actually.

I'm sorry to hear about your situation and send hugs and pozzies. Be well.
(Anonymous)
Aug. 10th, 2007 08:01 pm (UTC)
Oh believe me, he's thrown the Bi thing around over and over again...sometimes saying he's chosen to only sleep with men...then saying he's not 100% gay...all of this during conversations about my interest in him and our ever-growing emotional intimacy. He's been engaged twice. He didn't come out to his parents until 4 years ago when he married a man. He's 43.

I would never have slept with him...I don't care if he is bi: he's known as a gay man and I would have to keep it a secret and I am nothing to hide. Been there, done that.

And it still triggers these negative beliefs in me.

I've been in this situation over and over and over...and every time the universe said "No" to me, eventually I found out why: either the guy was abusive to the girl he chose over me, or he has some serious mental issues that I didn't see before, or he just wasn't right for me.
wonderbink
Aug. 10th, 2007 08:29 pm (UTC)
I suppose I have some kind of weird advantage in knowing this man wasn't right for me from the very start. But he still had some very important lessons to teach me, and I'm glad to have learned them.

It still doesn't make the pain any less when it's over, unfortunately. While a lot of the burning resentment is gone and much of the urge to cry uncontrollably has gone with it, there's still a great deal of grief over what was and what can never be.

It's been a roller coaster today--one moment I'm on the verge of something resembling okayness, then next I'm in a state of "ow ow ow fucking OW!!!" But it's only been, what, two days. It's a bit like recovering from surgery--you know it was necessary, but damn does it suck in the meantime.
julieduranie
Aug. 10th, 2007 10:04 pm (UTC)
*hugs*
( 7 comments — Leave a comment )